Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
it's great music for shaving your balls
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize