I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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