Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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