At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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