Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
