My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
