The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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