We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
