Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
