Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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