ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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