Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize