The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
