I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
