well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
