And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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