I have demons in me.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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