I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize