Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
