I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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