She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
