She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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