I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Randomize
