My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
