Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
