i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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