my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
