i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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