if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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