why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
