FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
