i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Couch. On fire.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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