This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
