Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
