last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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