jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
