seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
