im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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