I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
