I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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