oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
