Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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