Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
