I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
