The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Be still, my beating vagina.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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