I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
So many bounce houses so little time
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
