The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
