Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
