I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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