I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
she smelled like a LAN party
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
