Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
