the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Randomize
