New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Randomize
