You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
