just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize