Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
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