worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
