Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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