12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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