Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize