eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
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